From Self Hate To Self Love

Addiction is an epidemic in the world, according to the Addiction Centerwebsite, link below, over 20 million people suffer from a drug and alcohol dependency. Addiction stems further than those two. If you’ve ever seen the show on TLC, My strange addiction,you can attest to that statement. For most part, people keep their addictions a secret, it’s hard to notice the dependency or it can be extremely easy, depending on the situation. Some addictions, like street drugs and alcohol are, most of the time, are easily noticed. Eating disorders, sex, excessive exercise, depression and even love are just a few of the many examples of different addictions. In sharing my story, I hope to inspire at least one person to make the first step in change, believing in yourself.

Growing up in a small town was a curse and blessing. In general Moscow, Idaho is a very close-knit community. Growing up, we weren’t exposed to much of the many issues going on in the world, let’s say just say, we were a very sheltered community. We had multiple elementary schools, but we were all intertwined with different school activities. About 6thgrade is when I started to notice, in movies and TV shows, that the way you looked attracted attention, the skinny girls always got the attention and love.

Junior High was a changing point in the way I looked at myself and my body. I wanted to be liked and to be a part of the “popular” kids. 7thgrade I made the discussion give up 4-H to start cheerleading. I learned more about what drives hormonal boys and that was, big boobs and being skinny. I had the big boobs, but I was far from skinny. It was in 9thgrade that I wasn’t happy with the way I looked, but nobody else seemed to notice. One day after school when I was waiting for my bus, my crush came up to me and gave me the biggest hug! This gave me hope, hope that no one noticed that I was bigger. 7 words from a kid that was driven by his own insecurities, was all it took to change my life. “I’m surprised you can lift her up.” Even though he apologized in my senior yearbook, not actually in person, I carried that sentence with me until 2018.

Once High School came along, I was fully committed to cheerleading and bettering my abilities. I was the strongest one the on the squad, so I lifted more and ran harder to improve those qualities that I brought to the squad. I believed that cheerleading saved my life, I felt needed and a part of a group that didn’t judge me based on my body. Quickly I replaced my feelings of not being worthy enough into excessive exercising to achieve those results. Yes, building muscle made me feel good on the inside but on the outside, doing what I loved caused me to be bulkier. I started to wear double spandex to cover up my stomach, not only in my cheerleading uniform but my daily life as well. The lack self-confidence and abundance of self-hate manifested themselves into bullying. I thought if I was the one that they ‘feared’, no one would speak ill of me. It did the exact opposite, those actions turned me into the exact type of person that had caused this pain.

I took cheerleading with me and had the hopes and aspirations of joining my college team, but with my lack of self-confidence, I shied away. I had all the attributes and abilities to make the team, but I was ashamed of my body and talked myself out of a great opportunity. Instead I took matters into my own hands and started an unhealthy change. From the day I graduated high school to one year after I went from 170 to 115-120. My goals, at the time, were to be able to see my collar bones and hip bones and I would do anything to get those results as quickly as possible. In order for me to feel content with myself I only ate 600 calories a day, started obsessing over exercising, drinking, smoking, binging and started to take Adderall to help with the hunger urges. 

Right before college started, I got my first job as a cashier at a sporting goods store right across from campus. It was around the time the football players started their summer camp, of course as girls do, they drool over the older guys. It just so happened, that my cousin was recruited to the team as well and that was my in. I got way more attention with the way my body looked from the men I was most attracted too. I was being rewarded for how terrible I was treating my body. 

By the time I had experienced the first half of college I had met a man online that lived across the country. He showed me the attention and love that I thought I needed. My school work started to struggle since I spend the majority of my time with him on the East coast. I dropped out of college with promises that he would take of me if I moved with him back home to New Jersey. So that’s what I did. I took out a loan, something that I knew I couldn’t pay back, to help ‘us’ start a new life, but his intentions were to help himself. I was addicted to being loved because I had no idea how to love myself. He knew about my dirty little habit of binging and actually he taught me the ‘rules’ and how to do it ‘safely’. At the time I thanked him.

Once that love affair ended, I was still searching for someone to love me, something I couldn’t do. I hopped from one relationship to another, which brought me to a man that I met online from Texas. We had only met him one time in person and that’s all it took for me to be in ‘love’. Once I moved down, I was spending my money frivolously on a very expensive addiction for smoking and drinking, the money ran out within the first month. No money meant more problems, stress and binging. We weren’t in a place to take care of ourselves, let alone each other. We both became stressed and the relationship turned sour, we didn’t have love for each other anymore. I needed to find someone or something to give me the love I deprived myself of for so long, but until then, binging took center stage once again.

The first real job I had in Texas was working for a sporting goods store as an apparel associate. This helped me get my mind off the stress that was at home, but this was just a temporary fix, basically putting a band aide on. I continued to binge not only at home, but it spilled into work. If I didn’t accept it before, I did now, I was addicted to binging. I hid this monster and buckled down and focused on work. I worked so hard that I made it to apparel supervisor after 9 months. This opened doors to go build and remodel stores all over Texas and I became a key player not only in my store but in the district, people came to me for guidance and I felt needed and loved. This gave me the tools to be able to afford a gym membership and started the process on living a healthier life. All my efforts at work paid off, I was promoted to softlines manager and was on my way to Tyler Texas. At this point in my love life I was single and ready to mingle. This caused me to once again make terrible decisions on who I gave my love too. I started struggling at work and after everything was said and done, I had no choice but to retreat and come back home.

No matter the amount of men and friends that came and went  in my life over the years, my bulimia stayed with me. After moving back home I struggled with depression, anxiety and the feeling that I needed love from other people to be happy. I did everything I could to mask those feelings, that’s when drinking and cigarettes became center stage again. In the fall, I got my first job as a store manager for a clothing store in the mall. I loved it! I loved the challenge and having more responsibility, I felt needed again so the purging slowed down. I started traveling more with the company and made myself more available, after 6 months they relocated me to a bigger store only 2 hours away. This opportunity allowed me to make enough to be able to afford my own apartment and live fully on my own. This is when I started to notice that when I gave love to myself for my accomplishments, I didn’t binge as often.  

As I was getting settled in at my new store, I was also getting into the dating scene. In winter of 2016 I found myself in my first real relationship since getting back from Texas. I was the happiest I had ever been, and it was the realest relationship, up to that point. Even though I was eating healthy and exercising the right way, I still needed those instant results. No amount of happiness I found in that relationship; I wasn’t truly happy because I still used bulimia as crutch. In the back of my brain I thought, “I have to do everything to keep him happy”, at the time I thought keeping him happy was keeping myself skinny. The purging took center stage again.

In the early months of 2017, the company I worked for went bankrupt and closed all of its stores. At this point in our relationship we had gotten so close that he asked me to move with him. Of course, I accepted. I had no job for the entire summer, even with applying for multiple positions, I still got no responses. He was gone for most of the day leaving me to my own devices, which included binging to cover the stress of being jobless. Also, he was active in a sport that required a lot of attention to weight, so that was topic of many conversations, not what I needed at that current time.

At this point, I was tired of not being able to work and make real money other than unemployment. One day I came across a job on Indeed, it was a store manager position for a well know big box retailer. To my surprise I got it! Working 10 hours a day and walking 7-8 miles per shift, the binging took a back seat.

I studied everything about bulimia, short term and long-term effects, I became a master at it. I knew how to hide it from the closest people in my life. I felt ashamed whenever I would give into the monster of purging, which caused a downward spiral. Winter of 2017 going into 2018, I noticed that I started to have unbearable headaches, stomach problems and my teeth were in terrible condition. Something needed to change especially if me and him were going to be in it for the long run. We had a trusting and very open communicative relationship, if it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t have been able to start my first step of eliminating that part of my life. 

It was the hardest thing for me to admit, but it was the greatest feeling I ever had. I finally told someone about my addiction. I told him everything, every detail from the time frame in which I had to throw up after I ate, to foods that were easier to throw up. He helped me accept that I had a problem and took the steps to diligently filter the things he talked about including his weight. Man was it a roller coaster! Knowing that I had someone that knew everything made it harder and easier to stop binging. I quit everything cold turkey, smoking, drinking and my Adderall dependency as well. Once I stopped binging, I noticed my headaches and stomach issues never went away, even with eating healthy and actively working out, I still felt physical horrible. 

The relationship came to an unexpected halt shortly after. I had a big decision to make, to mask my emotions with binging again or to continue the journey of recovery. I chose recovery. I was thankful and enlightened by the way I loved my body the way it deserved, and binging wasn’t the way. I devoted myself to myself, I promised, even when those thoughts of not being good enough arose, I would still love myself 10 times harder.

When summer time came around, all my hard work up to this point was tested, I started having seizures, I had them middle of the night without even knowing. Since I was sleeping alone now, I thought I was grinding my teeth so hard that I was biting my tongue as well. It wasn’t until I pursued a love interest that I was told that I had a seizure in the middle of the night. I didn’t believe him because there was no way I was having seizures. It took two more times of that happening for me to make that appointment with my doctor. 

July 17th, 2018. The day I became completely numb to the world that was happening around me. My doctor sent me for an MRI that morning and we weren’t expecting a phone call the same day, let alone only a few hours after my appointment. She said needed to seem me that night. I didn’t know what I was expecting going in, my mom always came with love and support, and I had her stay in the waiting room, like I always did, and I went back. When the doctor entered the room, she had a large book on the brain. My heart stopped. She pointed to the area that my tumor was located. I plan on going in depth on my experience with my brain tumor in a later post, so this is all you guys will get until then.

I believe there was no coincidence that just months before me finding out about my tumor, I made the I choice to not be controlled by an addiction any longer. I wouldn’t have had the amazing outcome during surgery if binging and self-hate still ran my life. I would’ve shrugged off all those side effects and warnings and continued to live my life in the cycle of that burden. I believe the universe gives us all the tools that we need to help ourselves, we just have to pay attention, do the work and believe in yourself. You’re stronger than you think.

Before The Beginning.

As we continue this journey of growth, let me ask you a question to keep in mind while we hop down the rabbit hole again. Where were you 8 days before your conception? I know what most will say, “I was swimming around in my dad’s genitals, waiting for the starting gates to open”.  As humorous as that answer is, it’s a sad realization that most people don’t understand or have the desire to truly explore different ways on how our universe manifested itself and our consciousness.

When I was growing up, we never associated with any religion or true belief on who to worship or pray too.  My parents and grandparents, on my mom’s side, believed we should be able to experiment and to find ourselves and our own beliefs. When I was in the earlier stages of my life, maybe elementary school, I decided that I wanted to go with my grandparents, on my dad’s side, who were through and through Baptists, to Sunday school. As I sat there and listened to the other kids and teachers, I noticed that I wasn’t able to get into the principle of a man in the sky watching over everyone, probably because of my trust issues with finding out Santa wasn’t real. Even in my adolescent years, I believed there was a higher power, but not in the way a religion did. Junior High was when I really started to believe in ‘Karma’. In Buddhism the definition of karma goes as follows: The sum of a person’s actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences. 

As I kept growing and experiencing life, I started noticing patterns and frequencies that would happen when I’d do things that I had no expectation of any repayment for, as always though, you must have the bad with the good. I did some not so good things when I was in Texas over the years, that cost someone a lot of money. It took from 2013-2018 for universe to conjure up the perfect karma for those actions. On July 17th, 2018 my life changed forever. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, but thankfully it was benign and slow growing, (which I think is no coincidence given the time frame). When my doctor told me news, that was the first time and the last time I cried about it. I didn’t cry out of sadness, I cried because I knew this was a consequence of my own actions that I could’ve controlled. Maybe it was the shock, but I felt at ease when she told me. My gut was telling me everything was going to be okay and I trusted that. 

Before I found out about the tumor, I was already deep into exploring the spiritual side of the world and investigating how the universe was created, along with our consciousness. As I started exploring Taoism and Buddhism, they spoke about living with ease and letting go of the past and not living in the future. I started living in the moment experiening the actual world around me, disconnected from any past or future concerns, connected with my soul and found my true self again. The activities that I enjoyed started to resurface, all I had to do was to take the time and listening to my body. When I did the things I enjoyed, I felt my whole self getting tingling and full of excitement. When I did something that wasn’t truly making my soul energized, I felt a lump in my throat. 

Before surgery I continued to do the things that made my soul happy like running. Instead of running in the city, I ran outside in nature and with our dog CD. I did everything in my power to control what I could control before surgery. I ate super clean, exercised daily to get my mind and body in top condition, all to make my surgeons job as easy as possible. All my hard work paid had off, the surgery went amazing. The only unexpected obstacle they ran into was the tumor was actually a little bigger and had more vessels attached to it than expected. This caused them to have to cut my skull open a little larger, which in turn caused the surgery, that had an expected time of 5 hours, to last 7 hours. After it was done, I was in the hospital for only 3 days. If I didn’t fully believe in the power of positive thoughts, connecting to your true self and loving you for you, I did now.

I’m residing in the large pool of individuals that still have a magnitude of questions about life. How did we become what we are today? I knew science had proven that the earth had existed for billions of years before us, so how was this rock created? One day, I came upon a Netflix the documentary, One Strange Rocknarrated by Will Smith. This day I became more invested in quantum physics and how it’s possible that we’re made out of star dust! Let me that rabbit hole in a later post. 

Think about the fact that everything on earth, once back tracking to its true form, has the same core make up. An example would be a chair. Think about what it was before its formation into a chair. It was a piece of cut wood, then before that it was a tree, the tree came from a seed, so on and so forth. When we zoom in as far as science has discovered, down to the protons and neutrons inside of the atoms that everything is derived from, these neutrons and protons are also constantly moving by an invisible force. What’s that invisible force? Down below is a link to a very mind challenging article about some theories. In short, everything in this universe is made of matter, which are made up of atoms. We’re all made of the same thing constantly in motion.

https://www.khanacademy.org/science/chemistry/electronic-structure-of-atoms/history-of-atomic-structure/a/daltons-atomic-theory-version-2

“We’re all made out of star dust.”

Will Smith, “One strange rock”

Those words opened my mind to a whole different level of thinking that was beyond my previous comprehension. This documentary made it so simple to get a grasp the idea of how our rock was created. Our planet is a collection of all different varieties of rocks and debris from other stars exploding around the galaxy and universe. These rocks started crashing into each other and over billions of years all those rocks start building into a larger formation, one example is our planet. By the gravitation pull of the sun, our rock started to orbit. Maybe those explosions of different stars in different galaxies had other species of life inhabiting them. Since our bodies and everything else in the universe consists of tiny atoms, who says these tiny particles didn’t embed themselves into these rocks and debris? They have to go somewhere right? Maybe they’re crashing together to start a whole new strange rock. 

So, where were you 8 days before your conception?

Stuck.

Before I go into this next post I want to provide a visual definition of the word stuck. Stuck– Adjective: unable to move, or set in a particular position, place, or way of thinking. Now please keep this definition in mind while we grow together! At least one point in our lives we get stuck, whether we know it or not. Stuck in a career that is draining our life force, a relationship that is hindering our emotional and physical being or in a toxic state of over analyzing the fear of “what if something bad happens..”. What if I told you the only thing that’s needed to get yourself unstuck is to look within? I know, I know, you’re all about to say, “Oh Brittany how could you be so clique!”. Honestly that’s the only way to do it! Look beneath the lies and fronts that you put on not only for the world around you but most importantly, the ones you put on for yourself. Our beautiful universe didn’t create our conciseness for us to think ourselves into being “stuck”, when in reality there’s bigger root cause lurking in the depths below. Now lets go fishing and hope we catch a big one!

“Becoming unstuck is about moving from constriction and frustration to flow vitality and ease. It’s about an internal stability that allows you to experience calm amid the storm, accept the “what is” of life so you’re not fighting against yourself. It’s about having the courage to make major changes without losing sight of the little things you can do each day to soothe, delight, and bring you home to yourself.”

Charlotte Karl, Ph.D, “If the Buddha got stuck”

It takes a lot to start this journey, it entails going into uncharted territory, a very uneasy and frightening task to do. The easiest way for me was to look at a huge event that happened in my life, one that was extremely defective and made a huge impact. For the sake of time I will generalize these events into relationships, addiction and surprisingly, being stuck trying to get unstuck. To my surprise, no matter how different the situations were, they all shared the sameroot cause! Firstly, in all of my past relationships I blamed the other person for my unhappiness, all the harsh actions that arose from an argument and blamed them for ‘making’ me act and say things that weren’t rational. I was manipulative and knew that I was causing mayhem where mayhem was unwelcome. When I wasn’t in a committed relationship, the void/monster that the relationship filled became empty again. I filled that unoccupied space with my career and seeking attention from anyone that would give it. I was chasing and hiding from something at the same time. I spent many of years holding on to those experiences, twisting and lying to myself on who was really too ‘blame’. That when I starting asking myself, “why did the situation turn out like that?”, “could it have been handled in a more efficient way?”, “why did I feel like that?”, “was it truly the situation or was there something deeper down that made me act like that?”, and to my surprise there was.

In the great book, “If the Buddha got stuck”, it states that the cause of addiction isn’t because you are addicted to the product but because you addicted to masking the true problem. A coping mechanism that I chose were cigarettes and alcohol, well for the most part. I hid behind these for years and years! The drinking started in high school and as soon as I turned 18, that’s when the cigarettes came into play. The feeling of being alleviated of the stress was more than enough to get me hooked. They never disappointed me and they were always readily available. It wasn’t until 2018 that I quit both, cold turkey. I decided enough was enough, I had to choose between staying strong with my coping mechanism or choose to make a drastic change in my life, and I chose to make a change. That day I started to reel in the monster lurking below by stripping away its different masks. Imagine fishing on a lake, you get a monster bite and start to reel it in. The fish is fighting with all its force to keep itself hidden below but after a quick decision to keep reeling in, it starts to slowing give in and starts raising to the surface. As you keep reeling and pulling back those masks, there will be an army of feelings. A true emotional roller coaster. Let me just say, I still haven’t gotten off the roller coaster and know I’ll be staying on to ensure I’m continuing to grow. We all know, being fearful and uncomfortable, in certain situations, is you growing. Growth doesn’t come from being complacent.

“For a mind burdened with fear, with conformity, with the thinker, there can be no understanding of that which may be called the original.”

J. Krishnamurti, “On Fear”

This last category is probably the most important and has made an immense impact on my life. I was stuck trying to get unstuck. Last year I made the decision to finally reel in the monster all the way to the boat, but there was still something that was holding me back from bringing it aboard. For those who know me, I am a very instant gratification type of person. I want results and I want them now. If those results don’t come within the time frame that I had planned in my head, everything goes into pure chaos. I became impatient with the progress that I was making, it was happening far too slow and I was barely seeing any results. The only result I experienced at the beginning of this journey was sadness, discouragement and guilt. I was trying to undo years and years of disarray, in a matter of months. That’s when I started to notice it, the monster was slowing fighting its way back away from the boat. This couldn’t happen. The one thing I took away from those long years was I was exceptionally resilient. No matter how bad I would reprimand myself, I knew deep down inside that I was stronger than those thoughts of unworthiness. That’s when the monster stopped fighting and started to swim effortlessly to the boat. I was shocked. If I thought positive affirmations to and about myself, instead of seeking it from other people, it was easier to pull the monster to the boat. Now getting it to the boat was hard enough, but to look at it face to face was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. In reality the monster that was lurking below, was me. My self-consciousness of my body imagine and lack of love for myself.

At a young age, Jr. High to be exact, is when I learned a very hard lesson, some people judge you as person based on what you look like rather than your true emotional nature. All it took were a few horrid words from another student to turn my whole life upside down. This was the first time I experienced judgement about my body, that I was too big. These words made me think that I was too big to ever be loved by anyone, too big to have friends and too big to make a change. It got to the point that I started bullying people to cover up my feelings of resentment and hurt. This monster grew and grew deep within me over the next few years, trying to get unstuck but in the wrong ways. Crash dieting, over exercising and it got to the point after high school I started binging. I carried the weight of what was said to me in Jr. High so deep down inside, that I started to ruin my body to get the results I wanted. The results started coming quicker than I expected (something I was always wanted). My desire to be accepted, loved and look a certain way based on the opinion of a child in junior school, who keep in mind had his own monsters to deal with, that was my root cause. It took me a while to reel this monster to the boat and I wasn’t about to make leaps and bounds backwards. I knew things needed to change, so in good Ol’ Brittany fashion, I winged it. So I stopped binging cold turkey because I knew that wasn’t the true problem it was just a side effect. I was ready to change and for real this time. Not a superficial change but a pure spiritual change, almost like a factory reset. I started to love myself and found ways to make myself happy again without having to depend on anyone else to do so. The only person I could rely on showing up day in and day out, was myself. I also started doing the little things that I never wanted to do, the “frivolous” tasks, making the bed, putting the clean dishes back from the dishwasher, folding the clean laundry sitting in the chair for days, reading books that challenged my mind and also started holding myself responsible for my actions/thoughts. I started giving myself positive affirmations and speaking to myself in less a detrimental and demeaning way. In doing so, this allowed me to stay focused on eradicating the monster lurking below and to truly give myself the love that I was looking for.

“I teach one thing and one thing only: Suffering and the end of suffering.”

The Buddha

In reality I would like to sit here and tell everyone that it’s as easy as one, two, three, but it’s not. Everyone has different monsters and different experiences, but in the end, it’s you that decides whether or not to cut the line and let the monster free to continue to lurk below or to reel it in and erratic it no matter the difficulty and the time spent. You’ve already done the first step and that is to acknowledge there’s something lurking below. Now, I’d like to ask you, are you truly stuck?

Your Vision of Abundance

I am a huge supporter in understanding how to live an abundant life style. For those of you that don’t study Taoism and spiritual awakening, let me explain. I’d like to start with a question, what do you think living abundantly entails? What appeals to you? Fancy cars, extravagant houses, having a gaggle of ‘friends’? Now lets strip away all those superficial possessions, take away the money, the clothes, the cars, ect. and ask yourself are you still truly happy? I mean deep down happy, with no attachments to the past, no feelings of regret about those past decisions, being deeply intone with the world that’s happening in the present. I asked myself those exact same questions and I’m not afraid to say, that at the beginning, all those answers were no. That was the moment I made the choice to better myself internally and truly make myself happy. Something I hope to spark in at least one reader today.

“Always without desire we must be found, If its deep mystery we would sound; But if desire always within us be, its outer fringe is all that we shall see.”

Tao Tzu, “Tao Te Ching”

I started my journey before I even realized. It started when my previous love affair came home and said that he was going to start practicing buddhism. I looked at him like he was crazy! Years later, I am now living with a mix of beliefs, from Taoism to Buddhism. I became extremely intrigued about Taoism. I searched for every book, every article and podcast there was. During my research I found the great book, “Tao Te Ching”, by Lao Tzu. With its enchanting metaphors and extravagant, yet simple steps to unlocking abundance I was hooked. Also, I would like to state, that I struggled immensely with reading this at first and trying to grasp the concept that he was trying deliver. After weeks and weeks of studying, deciphering the lessons and challenging everything I was taught, I started to truly understand. We allow ourselves to be consumed by a world that we can’t see clearly. If we cease to look at the world for what we fear or what we hope for, then we can really see what it is. Its true nature which is the way, the Tao. That true abundance comes from accepting yourself for who you truly are and approaching life with an open and clear mind.

It was a warm summer day, at the time I was looking for books to read after my brain surgery that was happening in the next month. I searched for multiple books stores around the area and one that stood out was an old used bookstore in Pullman Washington called, Bruised Books. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I went in with a whole list of different books that I was going to get, but the universe had other plans. It just so happened, as soon as I entered the store I lost cell phone reception. I hadn’t listed any of the books in my notes or in my screenshots, so in typical Brittany fashion, I winged it, lived in the present and started meandering around. The bookshelves were overflowing and each book had its own unique story of how it got there. As I was browsing around, something drew my attention to section of books labels spiritual awakening. The isle had books piled and piled on top of each other that rested the floors, it was quite overwhelming at first trying. As I was picking though the controlled chaos something caught my attention. The spine of the book had Tao in big black font, followed by the word abundance. This definitely wasn’t on my list of books but something led me to pick it up. The books was called, “The Tao of Abundance, Eight Ancient principles for abundant living”, By Laurence G. Boldt. That was the best $6.00 I ever spent.

“The Philosophy of the East, although so vastly different from ours, could be an inestimable treasure to run too; but in order for us to posses it we must first earn it.”

Carl Jung

Right off the bat the first chapter challenged myself to separate from my ego, get a little taste of who I truly was and how to make myself internally happy. It also gave me a better understanding and guidance on how to strip away that ego by understanding my own definition of living in abundance. I thought it was about living with lavish cars, houses, being liked by millions of people and created a persona that truly wasn’t me. Below is the first exercise after chapter one, The Unity Of Tao. It challenges you to describe what your meaning of living in abundance truly means to you after absorbing the knowledge presented in this chapter. Here is what I wrote on my own personal belief on living abundantly:

Abundance, as many would define, along with myself, if asked about a year ago is, “to ensure and obtain, you (as in ‘myself’) will have enough food, property and money for the rest of your (‘my’) life.” Now, when I ask myself, I answer with an array of questions. What drives me? Makes me happy? Allows my soul to shine, along with others to shine as well? What will have the greatest value on the universe and the beings living inside it, with minimal adverse ‘side effects’? Please indulge in the rabbit hole in which we are about to travel down together. As many of my prior superiors and my own mother would agree with me in saying, I’m harder on myself than any other person could ever be. The most catastrophic event would be me disappointing and separating myself from my true potential. So, how does one figure out ones ‘true’ potential? One would have better luck in explaining the origin of how our brain creates our individual consciousness. For now, as cliché as it is to say, you’ll know when you know. Everyone’s experienced the feeling you receive when you indulge in a bowl full of your favorite ice-cream or your favorite sweet treat. Now what about the feeling you get when you help someone or something in need without having and expectation of any type of reimbursement? That’s my sweet treat. That’s what living in abundance means to me. Being able to over fill my cup and letting the sweet vibrations of true kindness and the purest of intentions expand over into a world filled with insurmountable amounts of discontent.

Now, I challenge you! I challenge you to think about what abundant living truly means to you. Wether it’s helping at the animal shelter, calling an old friend to see how they’re doing, holding the door open for someone, or even forgiving that person who wronged you in the past. I challenge you to dig deeper than the surface, dig deeper than you ever have before, into uncharted territories of the mind and soul. If you are having anxiety and “uncontrollable” feeling of being alone, that’s normal. You must disconnect from the world to find your true self.

With love, Brittany M Welch

First Things First

Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.

Dr. Seuss, “Happy Birthday To You”

I would like to start off by saying thank you! Thank you for reading with an open heart and open soul. This blog will be all over the place with, mind challenging questions, inspiring (mostly humorous) stories and a tool used for inspiration to change. My hope in writing and creating this blog is to help plant the seed for inspiration and for someone, who may not even know yet, who’s souls is craving for change. This blog is an open and safe environment for discussion and all insights are welcome, (well the nice ones anyways). Once again, thank you for your support and reading with open ears, along with eyes. Now let’s grow together and travel down the many rabbit holes and to challenge everything your brain has been programmed to do!

Kid, you’ll move mountains! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So get on your way!“Dr. Seuss, “Oh the Places you Will Go”

Much Love,

Brittany M. Welch